At exactly 7.33 am on a gloriously sunny Tuesday morning, Theresa was sitting in a cafe on Scarborough Beach, about to tuck into her breakfast, sitting opposite her, some guy, when she suddenly had an outer-body experience.
“What am I doing here, Theresa?”
Theresa had recently returned to Perth after two years of enduring limp dicks and fat egos in Sydney. Ever since her university days, it had been Theresa’s dream to move to Sydney, where everything seemed much busier, brighter and more happening. And so, after spending a few years establishing herself as a promising young employment lawyer in Perth, Theresa took her skills to the East to work in her City of Dreams.
Sydney had everything that Theresa imagined, and for her first twelve months she had the time of her life. However, the long hours, incessant rain, abrupt personalities, dirty beaches and hustle-and-bustle mentality wore thin. But the clincher was the men, THE “MEN”, were in her experience either married, gay or obnoxiously single and embarrassingly flaccid (a problem she had never come across in Perth). Toward the end of her Sydney adventure, Theresa had wondered whether there was something in the drinking water that was preventing them from hardening up where and when it counted.
After another twelve months of endurance, the decision was made; Theresa would return to the West where, at the very least, she could crack back open her little black book. And so Theresa arrived in Perth full of energy and enthusiasm. She was back , looking trim and terrific, on the clean, sunny shores of Western Australia and she was ready to find herself some clean, sunny and hard hitting men. Her approach matched her enthusiasm. She signed up for all manner of social events and outings and arranged week after week of Friday night man-hunts with her old girl friends, and Perth men were delivering.
But Theresa wanted MORE. Inspired by her gay male friends who frequently used “Grindr” (an iPhone App for dirty chat and ‘meet ups’), Theresa, thought it would be fun to downloaded the straight version: “Blendr”. Like Grindr, Blendr enabled users to search a gallery of nearby potential “dates and mates” and to contact them with instant messaging. At first, Theresa’s voyeuristic curiosity had her chatting to men anonymously, engaging in some dirty talk, and receiving ridiculous “cock shots” that she would giggle over with her girlfriends.
Upon reflection, Theresa considered that she might have been over-zealous in her efforts. Sure, she wanted to have so good old-fashioned SEX, however she also wanted to go on some dates and meet a nice guy, rather than just slutting around town. After all, she was she was 30 now (albeit looking 27 and with the energy of a 25 year old) and mindful of the odious tag ‘cougar’. As such, Theresa thought she might be able to meet a nice guy through the App and have an actual date. Naive? Well she was certainly wary, so she decided to arranged a breakfast date, which she figured would be a safe way to vet the guy and (if it went well) lead to a second date, where things could get a bit more serious.
And now due to her efforts, Theresa was on a Blendr date with him: this man she knew next to nothing about except that his profile picture was incredibly misleading.
Theresa’s ethereal being hovered above the table and watched down at the scene below. Theresa looked down at the meal that her Body was about to engorge: a big breakfast fry up with bacon, poached eggs, chippolata sausages, fried tomatoes and mushrooms, and spanish beans. Her body began to douse it all with a healthy splash of tabasco. What a meal!
Still floating above, Theresa exchanged her glance over to his meal: two boiled eggs and a wet, limp, hump of spinach. Who was this pale skinned, spiky haired, limp-spinach-eating man that she was having breakfast with? She feared this would be Sydney all over again.
Theresa decided not to be so judgmental. She was in Perth, the sun was shining (although you couldn’t tell, by the shade of his complexion), she was on a date, she would make the most of it! Theresa decided to make light of his miniature meal:
“You know, you should never let a woman order more than you.”
She smiled, sweetly. He looked up at her and blinked.
“Yes. That’s quite a meal you have there.”
“Oh, I never muck around with breakfast; it’s the most important meal of the day. This here is the Breakfast of Champions. It will keep me fueled for hours and hours.”
He smiled in jest.
“Do you think you’ll need a bit of fuel this morning, do you?”
Theresa didn’t quite get the cut of his jib.
He sniggered, as if she had just told him some private, filthy joke. Theresa put it down to nerves and moved on.
“Well, what’s with this limp shrubbery all about? It looks like the nest for your eggs.”
“Oh well, I have quite a strict meal plan.”
“Yes. I treat my body like a machine. I am training, so I watch everything that goes in.”
Theresa looked him over again. He didn’t look like an athlete.
“What are you training for?”
“Oh, just to keep my mind and body focused. You know?”
“So what is it you do again?”
“I’m a lawyer.”
“Oh you’re a lawyer too. Gosh, we can’t see to stay away from our own kind, can we? Even when we’re blending!”
“Well, I don’t usually go for lawyers.”
“No neither do I. The last thing I want to be talking about when I’m trying to enjoy myself is the bloody law!”
“Yes, I don’t go for any professional types really. I go for more…”
He cocked his head to the side and squinted, as if he was running something over in his mind. He changed the subject.
“Anyway, you are a pleasant surprise.”
“Why thank you. You know, I haven’t really used this whole Blender thing before, so I wasn’t quite sure what it was all about or what to expect, but this little breakfast date is nice.”
Sure, he wasn’t Theresa’s type, but he was nice and polite and Theresa was having a reasonably good time. Although it was hard not to when she was by the beach with a plate full of breakfast delights. Over the next ten minutes or so, they continued to chat pleasantly and enjoy their meals. It was becoming enjoyable rather than tolerable. Then, right when Theresa bit into half of a rather stumpy chippolata, he decided to cut to the chase.
“So, how about we get out here and, you know, come back to my place?”
Theresa held the chippolata in her mouth for a second in disbelief, then she finished chewing the sausage and swallowed. She then let out a polite, but awkward laugh.
“Well, thanks, but I think I’d kind of enjoy sitting here and finishing my breakfast, actually.”
He looked over at her half eaten meal.
“Well, how about when you are finished?”
“It’s barely 8 o’clock in the morning.”
“I’ve just eaten a feast.”
“And, well… look. I have a lot of things on this morning and… I just don’t really have the time. But this was nice. Maybe we can have another date sometime.”
He looked dejected.
“Alright, sounds good.”
Theresa endured another ten minutes before she decided to leave. The mood had been ruined and she could no longer bring herself to enjoy her delicious breakfast feast. Theresa politely told him that she had to be on her way, so they split the bill (there was no way she would let him pay for her) and he walked Theresa to her car.
“Well I had a lovely time. I will be in touch.”
“Yes, it was lovely, Theresa.”
His eyes went weirdly dreamy. Theresa was confused. Before she had time to read the situation, he leant over and stuck his tongue in her mouth. Theresa stood wide-eyed and motionless as his tongue poked about. After a few short, sharp, wiggles, Theresa softly pushed him back and off of her face and her polite laugh returned. He looked pleased with himself.
“So, are you sure don’t want to come back to my place.”
Theresa was surprised that a man who ate such a small breakfast would be so insatiable. She stood resolutely.
“Bless…. no. ‘kaythanksbye!”
And with that, Theresa jumped into her car and sped off toward the rising sun, never to blend again.
This is the Chronicles of Creepy Pants
Stay Tuned for Episode 27