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Episode 25: Cyber Profiling

Brent and Asha were milling about in the kitchen under the guise of making themselves afternoon coffees. In actuality, Asha never drank coffee after 2.00pm due to her susceptibility to the effects of caffeine. If she actually drank a coffee at this moment, being 4.25 in the afternoon, she would surely have a terrible nights sleep.  Brent on the other hand, a man who regarded his body as a temple, did not even drink coffee.  And yet here they were, floating around the espresso machine pretending to make coffees to kill some time in the count down to 5.30 pm.

“So what’s on the cards for the weekend, Asha?”

“Oh I don’t know. I really want to go to Hush on Saturday night for some real RnB flavva, but I think I’m stuck hanging out with my boyfriend. He’s not really into krumping at the club.”

“That’s where you’re going all wrong. Relationships.”

“Oh the Jibes of the Jaded Man. Here we go…”

“I’m serious. Relationships are for idiots.”

“Okay Mr Suave, so what are you up to this weekend? Are you going to ‘bang some chicks’?”

“Totally. Hahahaha.”

“You know who you sound like, right?”

“Oh God, don’t even go there.”

“Oh let’s. So how many gals do you have on the go at the moment?”

“Well, I actually have two, but…”

“Oh my God, you ARE like him. The ultimate version of him. The version he wishes he was!”

“Totally. In all fairness, you know I’ve done the long term relationship thing and I need to have a bit of fun.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what’s your favourite pick up manoevre? Do you flash them your guns?”

“No, I just insult them. I find they can’t resist a dirty creep. Hahaha!”

“Hahahaha! Well, if you want to meet more girls then maybe you should set up an internet dating profile. For hooking.”

“I’m 6’2, blonde, and fully fit. I enjoy long walks on the beach, Lady Gaga and treating a woman real good. I also have a great sense of humour.”
(Source – http://glamour.com)

Just as Asha said the words “you should set up an internet dating profile”, he walked into the room. His ears pricked and his eyes lit up in excitement. He knew that Brent needed his services.

“Are you thinking of setting up an dating profile?”

“Oh no, we were just…”

“If you want to pick up chicks, you totally should.”

“Oh no, I…”

Asha couldn’t resist getting involved. Heclearlyhad something to offer Brent and she wasn’t going to sit idly by and let Brent miss out on this crucial advice because Brent was too bashful to take it.

“Come on, Brent. You should totally set up a profile.”

Brent shot daggers at Asha, which she immediately disarmed with a cheeky smile. Brent decided to play along too.

“Alright buddy, so what should I do?”

He licked his lips in nervous excitement.

“Well, first you have to post a picture of yourself. No one is interested in profiles without pictures. Everyone wants to get a taste of what they are buying. You should never post a fake picture, because they will immediately ditch you should you ever meet up. However, you’ve got to be careful to present your best features. Obviously, you should show your guns.”

“Totally.”

“You should also say your a lawyer. Chicks dig that. Shows you have money.”

“Of course.”

“If a woman is going to let you in her pants, she has to think you are going to wine and dine her.”

Asha snickered.

“That’s totally what I am always thinking.”

He smiled.

“Of course you are.”

Brent needed to know more.

“Don’t you think saying I’m a lawyer is a ticket to saying I’m a wanker? That’s generally what people think, right?”

“People say that out loud to seem cool, but the truth is, women like men to be in good jobs. Being a lawyer is incredibly impressive.”

“Right…”

“You just have to make sure you use simple language.”

“Simple?”

“Yeah, simple. When you describe yourself you can’t use lawyer words otherwise it will be too intimidating.”

Asha choked.

“What kind of lawyer words would you use in an internet dating profile?”

Brent laughed.

“Quid pro quo?”

“Exactly. Don’t use words like that.”

“Sojust to be clear, I shouldn’t say something like my serivces are pro bono? That wouldn’t be cool?”

“No. Assume the worst of these woman.

Asha rolled her eyes.

“Oh God…”

“I’m sorry, Asha, but it’s true. Anyway, so you shouldn’t be obvious that you want sex. Just say a few simple things about you. Like your interests and stuff. Keep it short and simple. Say you have a good sense of humour. Girls love that.”

“Brent. Loves Tae Kwon Do and walking on the beach. Good sense of humour. Looking for hot dates…”

“No, no, no. That would never work. Look, if you like, I can set it up for you. Just email me a picture and I’ll do it now.”

Asha choked again.

“Oh Brent, I think you should totally let him set up your profile. You are clearly terrible at this. I will even take the picture for you.”

He walked up to the sink, filled a glass full of water, then walked back past Brent and Asha toward the door. Brent shot

“Well, just send me an email and it will be done.”

“Totally.”

 Within moments, the door closed and he was gone. Brent shot another dagger and Asha deflected with another wry smile.

“So Brento, when your profile’s all set I’ll totes be your wing woman!”

This is the Chronicles of Creepy Pants.

Stay tuned for Episode 26: Breakfast of Champions

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