“Did I ever tell you about the Christmas Party at my last firm? It was amazing. The firm hired out a ballroom, decking it out in a Winter Wonderland theme. There were snow men, candy poles, red ribbons and holly all over the room, and one of the partners dressed as Santa. We didn’t have a dinner, however there were waiters dressed as toy soldiers walking around with trays of bite-sized treats and glasses of champagne, wine and beer.
“The firm hired a big ballroom as our largest clients were also invited. You know, the typical ‘wine-and-dine’ service to thank them for their business over the year (and ensure they continued to give us business in the future). Of course, I was only interested in the firm’s clients attending for one reason: it meant I had more women at my fingertips.
“After a few beers, I got talking to this one chick who took my fancy. Let’s call her ‘Carolina’. She was a claims officer that I had spoken to over the phone a few times, but had never actually met her in person. Carolina would have been in her forties, I reckon. She got to telling me how she was married and that her husband was a bore and she liked to go out and party every now and then.
“About ten minutes after we started chatting, Carolina’s colleague joined us. She was another claims officer, although I had never dealt with her before. Let’s call her ‘Sarah’. By this time I was pretty keen on Carolina, but I didn’t want to give it away, so of course I devoted all of my attention to Sarah. You know, asking her about the department she works in, whether she liked the work, what she liked to do for fun out of work. I reckon Sarah was also in her forties, but she was desperately single. Anyway, I could tell it was really riling Carolina up; getting her real jealous and all.
“After chatting with Sarah for a while, I offered to get the girls some drinks. Carolina was real quick to offer to come and help me carry the drinks. Of course, Sarah didn’t want to sit on her own, so she tagged behind us. I started chatting to Carolina again, having a giggle over a glass of champagne, when I noticed that now Sarah was getting jealous! It was unbelievable! I had the choice of two ripe ladies for the picking: one jaded in marriage and the other desperately single.
“We went on the dance floor with our drinks, joking and dancing, and me stringing them both along so they both thought they were in with a chance. And then, it came to me:
I could have them both.
“I decided to strike while the iron was hot and so I decided to make my classic move and make a quick exit. I needed to get the two of them talking about me and the only way I could do it is if I wasn’t there. So I left the ballroom, down the hall way, out of the building and into the street.
“Of course, there was always the risk that the girls would leave the party so I only left the building long enough to visit a nearby Convenience Store and return with a jam donut.”
Up until this point, Alex had been casually listening to the ordinarily ridiculous chronicle of his unconvincingly audacious colleague, as Alex was well-schooled in his raunchy repertoire. However, this tale had taken a turn so terribly outrageous that Alex was compelled to interject at this juncture.
“Yes! Jam donut. So I found the girls swaying together on the dance floor. As I approached them, I took a seductively bit into the jam donut. After taking a bite, I offered the donut to Carolina. As she took a bite from one end, I took a bite from the other, locking our eyes in ecstasy. Jam started dripping down my hand and Sarah jumped in and playfully licked it off. Then the three of us finished of the donut, lips touching lips, while in each other’s embrace.”
“Okay. This is patently ridiculous, mate.”
“It’s truuuuuue! I swear!”
“Surely you were reprimanded for fraternising with the clientele?”
“Everyone was too drunk to care. At one point, my boss warned me that Carolina was married, but then he just flipped me a thumbs up.”
“Are you sure it wasn’t the bird?”
“Forget it. Dare I ask what happened next?”
“Well! Let us just say that none of us left alone.”
He leaned back in his chair and stretched his arms behind his head, letting out a deep sigh, as if he had just completed an intense cardiovascular workout. Alex on the other hand, wincing in inexplicable pain, felt as if he had gone through an appendectomy.
“Okay you have to tell me, who are ‘Carolina’ and ‘Sarah’?”
“I would love to tell you, I really would, but I can’t. One of them is Drew’s client!”
This is the Chronicles of Creepy Pants.
Stay tuned for Episode 24: Gay Old Time