Episode 18: Frat House Follies – Part II

Now with Mercury.

Faced with an unreasonable deadline, Alex was desperate to get on with the task before him. As an Articled Clerk in the firm’s litigation team, Alex was required to do all the mind-numbing, time-intensive, laborious tasks that senior solicitors didn’t want to do. The way he saw it, Alex was inaccurately described as an Articled Clerk: he was “The Junior Shit-kicker”.

For this task, Alex had to sort, categorise and tabulate over one thousand financial documents by lunch time the next day. It was 3.00pm. Alex was trying to get it done, but it was hopeless. Alex would be eating yet another dinner in the office.

Part of the reason for Alex’s inevitable stay was simply because Alex had been delegated yet another impossible task. The other reason was due to him; his “Frat Boy” office mate. Tapping his fingers, sighing in disdain, clicking his pen, swivelling his chair: he was restless and it was putting Alex off. He was clearly trying to get Alex’s attention, but Alex would not heed. Alex had far too much work to get done and he did not want to work through til midnight.

Unfortunately, the longer Alex ignored him, the worse his behaviour became. It became a Battle of Wills. Alex was getting annoyed, but he decided to take a stand.

Tap, tap.

Sigh, sigh.

Click, click.

Swivel, swivel.

He persisted.

Alex endured.

Soon, in the heat of the Battle, Alex heard the sound of their office door closing and Alex turned to look at his desk.

He was gone.

Alex had won.

Alex smiled to himself in self-satisfaction and finally returned to his work. However, after sifting through documents 547 to 569, Alex was interrupted by the sound of the door opening, followed by a familiar sigh.

He was back.

Alex cowered.

Chastened by the destruction of his amour propre, Alex reluctantly surrendered. Alex turned away from his computer to find him sitting in his chair, his head ducked underneath his desk. In an effort to get it over with, Alex proceeded to give him the attention he had been seeking.

“What’s up?”

He poked his head back out from under the desk and sat upright.

“Ohhhhhhh, you know. I’m just wanna go home already.”

“Well count yourself lucky that you will be gone in a couple of hours. At this rate I’ll be here until Easter!”

“Yeah… I guess. It’s just, I’m still getting tired these days.”

Alex had heard this all before, but decided to humour him for the time being.

“Still feeling like that? Sucks, dude.”

“Mmmmm. I need to take a few more samples this week.”

“Blood samples? Are you still doing that?”

No, no, no.”

He briefly ducked his head back under his desk and then sat back upright, placing a large, clear plastic jug on his desk beside him. He looked back at Alex, emotionless. Alex peered, wide-eyed, at the jug on the desk. It was half-filled with a bright, translucent, yellow liquid.

“Is that what I think…”

It’s urine.

“Wh… why do you have a piss jar under your desk?”

“I told you. I need samples. It’s full of mercury.”

Alex couldn’t shift his gaze from the jug of urine. There was at least a litre sitting in the jug.

“Did you just fill that when you left the room before?!”

“Not all of it.”

Alex’s mind raced.

“What do you mean ‘not all of it‘. Where did the rest of it come from?”

“From me. I’ve been taking samples all week.”

“In the same jug?”


“Do you mean to tell me that that jug has sat, filled with piss, under that desk, for a week now?!”

“Not a week. It’s only Wednesday.”

Alex couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“So you have carted that jug of urine through the reception area everyday? Hasn’t anyone said anything to you?”

“Nope. maybe they thought it was Lemonade.”

He looked pleased with himself.

“Why can’t you do this at home?”

“The doctor said I need to collect my urine every single time I go this week.”

Alex couldn’t bear to look at the jug any longer.

“Look. I have a lot of work to do. Can you just try to keep it down for the rest of the arvo so I can get out of here at a respectable hour. And please, put the urine away.”

“Maybe you need a nice glass of refreshing Lemonade to help you relax?”

He snorted a chortle. Alex got back to his work, all the while trying to ignore the giant, yellow elephant in the room.

This is the Chronicles of Creepy Pants.

Stay Tuned for Episode 19: Barbeque Therapy


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