Episode 17: The Silly Season

Merry Christmas!

Tiffany sat at the table in the cafe, tapping her foot and swiping through her iPhone.  She wasn’t looking for anything in particular; she was just biding time until her friend finally arrived. Sally was a bit of a flake, but Tiffany loved her all the same and she couldn’t wait to hear Sal’s big news.

When Sally finally arrived, twenty minutes late, she rushed into the cafe, her right hand buried elbow deep into a calico bag, searching in the depths for something that was unlikely to be important. She walked as she continued through her bag-deep expedition, occasionally brushing loose strands of her auburn hair away from her eyes, to rest behind her ears.  The rest of Sally’s hair was loosely tied up in a ponytail: the perfect hair style for her perfectly mismatched outfit consisting of a hot pink singlet, lime green hot pants, red-hot havaiana thongs and her three other tattered and faded calico bags that hung over her left shoulder.

Sally continued to rustle through the first bag, when she rushed blindly into an empty table and chairs setting.  Startled, she looked up and, as if waking up out of a dream state for the first time for the day, realised where she had arrived. Sally’s furrowed brow slowly released as her eyes set upon Tiffany.  She let out a squeal in delight and ran up to Tiffany with her arms out stretched.

“My girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Merry Christmasssssssssssssss”

Despite her stomach telling her to act otherwise, Tiffany couldn’t be mad at her friend. Tiffany stood up and caught Sally as she ran into her arms.

“Bitch! You’re finally here!”

“I’m sorry, but ya know I had to go buy presents – gawd I HATE this time of year – then I lost my keys and I didn’t know where they were and I was FREAKING OUT and then I went back to the shop and they didn’t have them and then I found my keys but I lost my phone and then…”

“It’s fine, it’s fine. Now can we PLEASE order? I am dying for an All-Day Breakfast.”

*  *  *  *  *

After stuffing their faces with a plate full of oily delactables, Tiffany was finally ready to talk seriously with Sally.

“So what’s the big news that you mentioned in your text?”

“Ooooooh! I can’t believe we haven’t talked about this yet! So I was out last Saturday night at the Kardy and I met someone.”

Sally had a long, checkered history of bad boyfriends and even worse hook-ups, however Tiffany always gave her friend Sally the benefit of the doubt. The way Tiffany figured, chance alone meant that Sally should meet a good guy eventually. At least that’s what Tiffany kept telling herself – for Sally’s sake.

“Yay! So who is this guy? Tell me everything.”

“Well, he’s a bit of a weirdo, but…”

Oh Sally.

“That is NOT a good way to start, Sally…”

“Wait! As I was saying, he is a bit of a weirdo, BUT I think in a cool way. And he seemed nice. And he’s a lawyer!”

“I work with lawyer’s all day. More often than not that word is not used to describe people in a good way.”

“Well, at least he must be smart. Anyway, he was nice and we chatted for ages, but he had to leave in a hurry all of a sudden, which was a bummer so I gave him my number.”

He had to leave in a hurry? This seemed a little too familiar for Tiffany’s liking.

“So did you arrange to meet again? Is he going to take you on a date.”

“No, we didn’t really arrange anything. He just said that he had an emergency and had to leave and asked if he could have my number. It was all a bit mysterious.

“Mysterious? So how long has it been.”

“It was last Saturday. So it’s been four days. Hmmmmm. That doesn’t sound good when I say it out loud.”

Oh Sally.

“Oh I’m sure it will be fine. So tell me more about him.”

“Well, he is not the best to look at…”

Oh Sally!”

“Wait! He is not the best to look at, but he was SO CUTE when we first me. He was telling me that he was considering adopting a three-legged dog and he wanted my opinion on what to name the poor little guy.”

“Three legged dog…”

Tiffany racked her brain. This was all too familiar. Sally couldn’t possibly be talking about him, could she? Sally’s new crush could not be him, could he?

“Sally, this guy sounds a LOT like this guy at my work. His name isn’t…”

Tiffany was interrupted by the vibration of Sally’s phone. She had received a text.

“Oh my GOD! It’s from him! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I knew he was into me!”

Sally unlocked her phone and read the text to herself. Tiffany watched on as Sally’s face transformed from a picture of excitement, to one of confusion, then terror.

“Ooooooh. That’s a bit… I don’t know how to… Is that…..?”

Sally looked up at Tiffany for answers. Tiffany took the phone out of Sally’s hand.

“What do you think, Tiff? Is that… normal? I mean, we only met once!”

Tiffany looked at the phone. It was a picture message of someone dressed as Santa. The Santa was standing, legs apart in a semi-squat position, with arms outstretched and each hand clasped into a thumbs-up.  Tiffany looked closer at the face and her heart dropped. She knew it. It was him.

“Oh Sal, I know this guy!”

“So, what’s the verdict? Is that message okay?”

“Well, the photo is pretty weird, but he is a bit of a weirdo.”

“And the message?”

“What mes…?”

Sally looked back at the phone. She had missed the message underneath:

“Heya Sal! How about you come and sit on Santa’s lap!”

This is the Chronicles of Creepy Pants.

Stay tuned for Episode 18: Frat House Follies – Part II


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